The Worst Thing that Ever Happened To Me. Ever.

Did you know that when the temp REALLY drops (like in the below 20 below zero range; like when the high for the day is negative 30; like where it’s been for the past three days in the worst place I’ve ever stepped foot), metal doesn’t JUST stick to your tongue?

Ya. Well, I didn’t.

And today, when I jumped out of my car to run two steps into the autostart place to get a new remote battery really quick, I reached my gloveless hand for the door and …. screamed.   And screamed.  And screamed.

And the guy inside said, “Don’t move!  Don’t pull your hand away!”  And, “Just Freeze!”  Which I was already doing.  Against, much against, my will.

And then he said, “Close the door and stand outside.”  What?!  What the ?  I did not comply.

So, he hopped over the counter to stand outside with me.  And he was saying stuff that I imagine was something like, “You moron,” and, “Don’t you know?” … but  I don’t actually have any clue as to what he was actually saying  because I was hysterical.

How hysterical?  My tears were freezing onto my face and hanging off my chin in icicles.  My eyelashes were frozen white.  Because my hand was STUCK to the door handle.  And it was 60 degrees below freezing.   It was bad.  Really, really, not good. Bad.

About 5 panic stricken, lamaze breathing, hysterical, hand frozen to the door handle, icicles hanging from my frozen face seconds that felt like days later, another guy emerged with a clear plastic cup of water.  He poured it over my hand.  I swear it made a sizzling noise.

Simultaneusly liberated and scarred for life (not in a way you can visibly see — but deep, deep, in the tissues of my emotional self), I silently scurried back into my car like I wounded bird.  I put my gloves on and drove home.   (I left without the battery for my auto start remote and without a shred of human dignity.)

And on the way home I decided a few things: 1. I will never, ever take my gloves off again.  2. I better find a new auto start place.  and 3 – 333: I hate this place.

I mean, where else does your HAND get stuck to a door handle?  Did you know that could happen?  Did you?  And if you did, please send me a book about all the other things I don’t know.

Now I know why the drive though ATM machines aren’t operating.

6 days till Mexico.

Until then, I’m in hiding.


A tongue, I get it. A hand? Freaking Arctic.


8 responses to “The Worst Thing that Ever Happened To Me. Ever.

  1. I’m sympathy cringing and crying for you. My God. My f’in God Katie. I thought sweating to the point of pre pubescent similarity was bad. Alas, I am wrong. Please come back. I’ll make your room reaaaaaaal pretty here.


  2. Katie…is it true? I cannot imagine all the things you’re supposed to know but don’t know about surviving the frozen tundra. I guess all the snow fairies and northern lights can’t make living in fear of freezing to death seem like a beautiful adventure….So sorry you froze to the door handle….so much sorrier it made you cry and so happy you survived this one!!! Hang in there!!! Santa will be coming soon and he always brings good cheer.

  3. WHAT!!!!??? Okay, now. You are NO moron. I did grow up in the “half-frozen” tundra, (Before you moved there and I read you blog it was the “frozen-tundra”-no longer), and I would NOT have known either! What quick thinking Fairbankians you found that day:) THANK GOODNESS you are REALLY going to Mexico. I thought that was just a dream! You NEED and that beyond imagination! Sending warmth and love your way. And may your skin survive the temperature change! Wear sunscreen! Merry Christmas goddess of the cold.

  4. …OMG….you are SOOOOOO ready for Mexico….a margarita, a siesta, the sound of the ocean & doorknobs you can safely touch.

  5. Unbelievable event. How cold was it? So cold my hand froze to the door handle in a few seconds! Do people really choose to live there?

  6. Oh my Katie, if you were living an ordinary life no one would be paying attention. Please take care and stay warm. Just think, you got to see the Northern Lights and that was well worth it…..right? right? right? You are going to have such wonderful tales to tell for the rest of your life. This one may top it off! Thinking of you while we have “rain” in Southern California. We are such wimps.

  7. YIKES! Glad you get a break to the tropics soon 🙂 Merry Christmas!!

  8. You’re not alone! Here in Edmonton, AB that happens to us as well. The day my son was born the only place colder on Earth was Siberia. Siberia. Cars didn’t start that day, schools didn’t run. The city ground to a stop. Keep your gloves on or at least a pair of mini gloves which are the stretch cotton gloves. Enjoy your vacation and store up some more warmth for the rest of the winter 🙂 Merry Christmas!