What? You Wanna Roll Wit’ ME?

An Arctic Parking Lot

Oh. My. God.

It has taken me three days to even be able to talk about this.

You are NOT going to believe what happened to me.


You’re not.

Until three days ago, there was only one other time in my life when someone, besides my younger brothers, tried to fight me.   Now the count is up to two!!!

The whole thing is so surreal, it’s like a play.  So, that’s how I’m gonna tell it:

Set Scene:  (Snow and ice covered grocery store parking lot means that parking stall lines are totally covered, obsolete, all but forgotten since October.   A man is struggling to get baby car seat into car because the narrow space between the parked cars is making it hard for him to completely open his car door.)

Me:  (walking out of grocery store, notice man struggling with car seat on my drivers side, so I walk around my car and open my driver’s door from the front end of the car.  As I’m getting in..)

Woman: (bucking toddler in from the driver’s side of her car,  scowls through the open car doors) Thanks for parking so close to us.

Me:  “Ya, the parking spot was really narrow.  It’s a tight squeeze on both sides.”

Woman:  I have a car seat .. (proceeds to show me with arm dimensions how big the car seat is)

Me: I have car seats too.  I know that can be tough.

Woman:  You Bitch.

Me:  What?

Woman:  You are a f*&$) bitch.

Me:  WHAT?  (normally, I have to say, I would get in my car and steam the entire way home.  But, you know what?  I TOO have been stuck inside for the past several months!  SO … I get OUT of my car, and walk around to the back of hers, so that I am talking to her face to face.  And, with my voice vibrating, I say,) Do NOT call me a bitch. ESPECIALLY in front of your children.

Woman:  Park somewhere else.  Bitch.

Me:   What?  The entire lot is full.   I didn’t design the lot, and I’m not going to take the credit for it. (I really don’t know why I said that.  I walk around to my car.  And then I say thought the open doors,) When I run into this issue with my baby-seat, I back my car up so I can fully open the door, and then pop the baby seat in.  Then, I pull forward, and load the groceries.   (looking at husband) It’s even easier when you have two adults.

Woman: You f*&% b*$@%!  (and starts running for me!)

Me: (dive into car and slam the door!  She’s cussing at me thought the window of my car and hitting my car with her fists!  I back up, and then stop behind her car the way you do before you pull forward and drive away … but then … something GOT INTO me!   And, with my car blocking her car in, and her cussing me out from where my car used to be, I roll down the window and say…)

Me:  Your behavior is out of line.  I hope your day, and for that matter your life, gets MUCH better.

Woman:  (Raising Fist) GO ON! GET OUTTA HERE!! JUST GET OUTTA HERE!  YOU F*&^% B(*&&%#@#!  GET OUT!”

Me:  (compliantly drive away.  And spend the ENTIRE next three days thinking of all the things I should have said!   My favorite being,

ME: “SMILE!  I’m a blogger!  I can’t wait to show the world the kind of folks that live in Fairbanks!”

And then, right here, you’d see a photo of a short, plump, 20-something woman with a GIGANTIC mass of brown frizzy bangs and a bad perm slicked back into an exploding ball of pony tail, wearing an ugly purple-and-white 1980’s parka and tapered stone-washed jeans having an absolute shiffazle in the snow covered narrow parking stall in the Fred Meyers parking lot.)

— end scene —

DAMN. I can’t wait until next time.

Ready to Roll,

Alaskarella, F’n B.


21 responses to “What? You Wanna Roll Wit’ ME?

  1. Brady and Maleia

    Hi-Lar-I-Ous! Please tell the story of your other near physical encounter, if it is 1/2 as funny we are in for a treat.

    P.S. Please go make a friend so you don’t have to extend the conversation with the natives who are chasing you out of the parking lot.

    • The first time? Freshmen Roommate. After months of listening to (dot, dot, dot) with a variety of “suiters,” I snapped. I called her a whore. It wasn’t nice. But … luckily in that situation running into the dorm bathroom where other people there to hold her back saved my hide. Yes, I do need to make a friend. Any ideas about how to do that would be appreciated. Clearly the parking lot isn’t where it’s happenin.’

  2. …sure hope the natives are in a better mood if we visit in the summer. but at least we’ll have you for protection.

    • 🙂 I’m pretty sure that the sunshine will mellow the Fairbankians (self included) fighting spirits! And if not, well, we can dive into the car and race far, far away.

  3. Brass Knuckles

    Where’s the love Bubble Toes? Jack Johnson would not be a Fairbanks fan.

    • I know. It’s hard to believe I went from an island where no one even honks at you if you sit at a green light, to this. I think it’s amazing how the climate colors the climate.

  4. Your life is way to exciting .

  5. Libby Clarke

    Whew! Good thing that didn’t happen in my hood! Or somebody would be whacked up side the head with something other than a frozen salmon. Holy cow Katie. I am proud that you took the high road …

    On another note, what are those metal posts there in the parking lot? Looks like a drive in — yes, I need a gallon of milk, 2 loaves of bread, and root beer float, delivered to lot number 9. Now that idea you should take credit for! Wouldn’t that be the bomb!

    And if the don’t have in-house grocery delivery up there — that could be a gold mine for you and McBeanie!

    Love you tons!

    Your F.A. in da hood!

    *favorite aunt

    • Woman, you’re so funny you made me go into labor three weeks early. I love it. AND, clearly, you MUST be some kind of inventor / entrepreneur! Your ideas could turn this whole place upside down! Wouldn’t that be AMAZING if those metal posts were for ordering shakes and fries – and the runners would ice skate it on out while chewing on bubble gum under their neck gators! Sadly, they are for plugging in your car. Here in these parts, your engine will freeze if you don’t plug your car in while you go into the store, it is a very chilly fingers experience and evidence piece number 5790 re: this place was not meant for “modern” life. (or maybe life at all). and grocery delivery?! a dream! We don’t even have trash pick up out here!

  6. Who knew that the ice on the parking lots in Alaska wasn’t the most dangerous aspect? Loved your post. By the way, your blog was one of the Recommended Blogsin BOLDS March Issue. Check it our at the link below.

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  7. Hey Katie – Heather La Vigne (used to be Chinault) just turned me on to your blog. You are such a great writer! This last post made me laugh out loud. I feel like I have a fight every other day thanks to the patients I take care of on the southside. I could totally picture this whole scene (except in my mind it’s a 300 lb 28 year old grandmother you were fighting with).

    • Hi Emily! You too? Suddenly living a life with people who you’ve only seen on talk shows where they throw chairs at each other? It’s unbelievable. From Southside to the Northside – we got a lot a crazy to deal with out there!

  8. OMGosh…You’ve got to be kidding me? I can’t believe that happened. You handled it much better than I would have. I probably would’ve gotten ghetto with it. 😉 I hope they didn’t have a couple stickers on the bottom left corner of their vehicle!

  9. Oh my, getting stuck on doorknobs and getting into fights with young mothers. What a life you’re leading! I hope your car isn’t very recognizable or there’s another store you can shop at. Do they have a gym with kickboxing in your area? Sounds like it might be helpful. Take care.

    • Yes, they do have kickboxing! I’d be terrified to have a run in there! I think I’m going to go for yoga and punching my pillow! And maybe a psychotherapist. And yes, I will be driving to the further away store! Good idea.

  10. Tiffany Huber

    Man, I would have paid to watch this go down! My money definitely would have been on you Katie!

  11. Such a great story…and the fact that you survived makes it ok for me to say that. Right?

    It appears your thought process went similar to how mine would have gone: 1) She can’t be serious; 2) OMG. She’s serious; 3) I should probably tell her it’s ridiculous that she’s serious; 4) Uh oh.

    Except instead of getting in my car and hauling a$$, I probably would have curled up into the fetal position on the ice and snow and cried “I want my mommy!”